1. Don't tell me you have abdominal pain as you eat doritos in my triage
2. If you come to the ER by ambulance, the first thing I will ask you is
how you are getting home. No, we don't have people on staff to drive you
home, and don't tell me you don't want to "bother" one of your family
members at this hour. You had no problem bothering 911 for the back pain
you've had for 3 months.
3. You don't get to pick your own IV site. This will irritate me and I
will probably miss your IV on purpose and start your site in the place I
wanted to initially to prove a point
4. "Butterfly" is not an IV size, this word signals me to put in a
larger bore needle.
5. Nausea is not a reason to come to the ER. If you are not in severe
pain, are not vomiting or pooping your pants in front of me, your butt
goes back to the waiting room.
6. How can you have the worst migraine of your life, but be able to yell
at me about the wait after you just put down a magazine you were reading?
7. Don't ever say things like, "I usually get 4 mg of Dilaudid".
Requesting your med and dosage will prompt me to squirt out half of the
med before I inject, then I lie about the dose.
8. If you are allergic to Tylenol, Toradol, and Motrin, I have already
assumed you are a drug seeker.
9. If you came to the ER having a family doctor appointment that same
day, I will make sure you are still in the department well past the time
of your original appointment.
10. I don't care if you are neighbors with the GI specialist. Unless he
drove you to the ER himself, you can't be that friendly.
11. Just because, "my doctor sent me here", does not mean you get right
back to a treatment room. This tells me you are a pain in the *ss, and
he's pawning you off.
12. The louder you moan/whine, the bigger size IV needle you get.
13. Foley catheters cure pseudo-seizures. They also cure intoxicated
14. If you are on more than 2 medicines at home, bring a list. Don't
say, "you know, the little white pill". I am not a pharmacist.
15. RN is not synonymous with waiter/waitress.
16. Don't b*tch about missing breakfast when I'm on the ninth hour of my
shift and haven't peed yet.
17. What gives you the right to complain about your sore throat for a
week while I have diarrhea from the antibiotics I've been taking for
18. Broken toes are not an emergency. We'll make you feel stupid by
putting a little piece of tape down there and kicking you out.
19. I am currently inventing a trapdoor system in triage to be triggered
when you say the word "toothache".
20. Cover you mouth when you cough/belch. This is just common courtesy.
When you neglect to do this, I am tempted to bust butt in your room,
then close the door.
21. If you tell me you have fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome,
know that I'm rolling my eyes and thinking you're a loser.
22. If you list Haldol, geodon, Xanax, and trazadone as allergies, don't
tell me you have no psych history.
23. Never sign in with chest pain because you were too embarrassed to
write "p*nile sores" or "foul smelling discharge". This will p*ss me off
that I bumped you ahead of other people and I'll make your visit horrific.
24. Although you've been in the ER four times this week, you cannot list
the ER doc as your family physician.
25. Do not talk to me while I'm trying to listen to your lungs.
26. Don't tell me you have no money for medicine while you have a carton
of cigarettes in your purse (next to your cell phone), and each of your
seven children are playing their own PSP's.
27. Gravida 7 at age 22 means you are a sl*t.