Hello everyone,

I've consumed every bit of info I can on this website and any others I can find that are CRNA related. I'm still having some trouble deciding on my course of action though. My decision has been troubling me a lot lately and would appreciate honest answers to the transparency of my dilemma. I will provide as much detail as I can so my situation can be understood as best as possible.

I'm 29 years old and have 3.5 yrs experience as an RN at a level one trauma center in Southern California. First 2.5 years in an adult MICU. Past year as a resource RN for all adult ICU's, ER, and NICU. Did well in my BSN program (3.97 GPA). I was accepted to Kaiser Fullerton's program. I currently have no debt and I do have substantial savings. Married for 1 year, no kids (we have been together 2.5 yrs). I applied to CRNA school because I started becoming very unhappy and dissatisfied as an RN...wanting "more." I chose CRNA because of the complexity of the work and the payoff for the intense schooling and loss of income/cost of school. This is not at all just about money for me. I am also prudent in my decisions though because I can't justify going into school debt without being able to payoff that debt...I have always been very family oriented and most major decisions I've made since graduating high school have been with consideration of my future family/children.

I began thinking very seriously about family planning the past few months. My husband is 31 and we have been discussing the best approach to family planning. When I applied to CRNA school, I think I may have been a little naive. I thought maybe I could get pregnant near the end of school. Then I resigned to right after school after talking to several people in the program right now.

My dilemma is this...as I said, I have always made major decisions within the framework of family. Family matters most to me in this world and it (along with my faith) is the true, constant passion of my life.

My first concern is waiting until I'm done with school (31) to begin trying to have children. I know for the most part that is still "young" but it still seems like it is putting myself in a narrow timeline to have 2-3 children before I become more "high risk."

My second concern is the reality of work/schedule flexibility in general but more specifically as a new grad (and the prudence of not working full time as a "new grad"). My husband works full time where we are living now so ideally I would not like to be "required" to move...but we would be willing to if he could find a job (a lot of conditionals here I know, I apologize). My dream has always been to be home a lot with my children when they are young. Thus, I would prefer to not work more than 2 days a week and not have call when my future babies are little.

My fear is that I have to many "ideal conditions" that I would like for my family in the next 6-8 years to be a CRNA. At the same time, I am very "burned out" at the bedside. I have always been very goal oriented and determined. I sometimes feel like I'm losing my mind at the bedside. I really do need "more." Maybe my fantasy of being able to be home with my kids when they are little and have a career that is fulfilling to me and makes me feel like I am reaching my "potential" is just that...a fantasy that I am unwisely hoping for.

If anyone can provide me with advice and help me sort this out I'd greatly appreciate it. This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. Thank you in advance for reading this and for your kind assessment of what has been a heavy burden on me.