So.... Here it goes. I do not know where to go from here.

I am in my second year of nurse anesthesia school. We are front-loaded, and I have finished didactic and am (was) in clinical full-time.

I am no stranger to controversy. I have a personality that makes me difficult to warm up to new people very quickly. I have tried to overcome that. Needless to say, clinical has been difficult interpersonally while I feel that I understand clinical concepts and take management of cases. I have never treated a patient in a manner deemed to be unsafe.

I do clinicals in a small community. I made a few bad impressions (mostly based on poor communication, lack of communication, and miscommunication), some based on clinical performance. I have worked very diligently to overcome these obstacles and feel that I have made headway in many areas. I feel myself improving clinically all the time. Clinical evaluations are mixed- some great, and others bad. I feel in some ways that I have a target on my back; however I do not place blame on anyone but myself for allowing this to happen.

I am currently out of clinical, $150,000 in debt to school, $150,000 in debt to mortgage, $25,000 in debt to credit cards and feeling quite nauseous. I have given my life- past, present, and future to become a CRNA.

I have been informed that it is a very strong possibility that I am to be released from the program.

The thought of returning to nursing, as I once knew it, makes me ill to my stomach. The thought of returning to school in another field seems daunting and unlikely- since, from what I understand, I am almost at my limit for lifetime government education loans. I am 30 years old, and I have no idea where to go from here.

My number one goal is to become a nurse anesthetist. What are the chances of getting into another program (I assume very low)? Are there ANY success stories from people who were in my position? Words of advice?

Again, I simply do not know where to go from here. I have no idea how to tell my friends and family that I have quite possibly blown the greatest opportunity my life has seen, let alone move on professionally. I am here for some sense of guidance from those within the anesthesia community, and nothing more. I feel lost.