pilot424's Journal

Meredith would have been 22 tomorrow. What would her life been like? Would she be graduating from college, have a baby, or here in CA with me? I am more numb than ever but the feelings are as raw at the same time. I saw a pic a couple of days ago of the first Christmas. She was eight months. I saw it on Facebook. Her mother had posted it. I lost my breath, got sick to my stomach and felt my physical heart, like it twas literally splitting in two. I want to quit. Just sit and do nothing, but I can't. It never gets better, the guilt does not go away. How I have made it this far I don't know. How I got to California is just a blur. I still think how I am going to live the rest of my life with this? Every good thing is tainted. I have had a lot of free time and I think that is my problem. I get along better working or I school. Some day I am going to have to cope.