pickle

[Pete495]

Hey all. It's been a while since I posted anywhere. Funny how I found this site by searching nurse anesthesia while bored at work one day! didn't see anything about it on allnurses at all, and now I see everyone that was over there is now on this site. So I've been lurking a little while.

I started the anesthesia portion of my program back in January 06. I left my program at the beginning of my second semester (summer term). I successfully finished the first semester with good marks in clinical and A's in my classes, however, I was pretty unhappy my first semester of school. Some of this was do to the fact that I was getting married in August, and I had spent no time with my future wife, and that was only with 2 days of clinical/week. I had yet to start 3 clincals/week the next semester. I don't recommend trying to get married during anesthesia school! Also, my father got sick, and I had recently bought a house, among other things. I relayed to faculty that I was pretty unhappy most of the semester, and that I was leaving to pursue personal experiences and perhaps other clinical endeavors. I also relayed that I had been thinking about it awhile, and that anesthesia was not as fulfilling as I thought it would be the first semester. I was given the option before I left of taking a leave of absence. However, I declined because I did not know when or if I might return. I felt I should leave the spot open since slots are so tight, and that I should make a commitment one way or the other. In retrospect, I should have taken it, but that is in the past.

While working at the hospital I was at prior to school, and also at a different hospital in a CICU, I have found myself right back where I started, wanting to do anesthesia again. I get anxious thinking about it, but I know that anxiety in crna school keeps you from killing your patients. I have spent the better part of the last 4 years devoting myself to anesthesia (30 credits), and although I grew tired after taking pre-reqs for a period of 2 years (i switched schools, so it took longer), I still feel anesthesia is where I want to be.

To be honest, I don't know how anyone can be fulfilled in the first semester of anesthesia school. I am not saying my leaving was a mistake. I do not think it was a mistake at all. I spent highly valuable time with my wife and father, and do not regret my decision. With this in mind however, I have no other desire to do anything else. I am unsure as to what approach I should take in returning to a program I left unhappy voluntarily.

Just thought I would stick this out there for everyone, and maybe we can all learn something from it.

Not going to be posting this at allnurses too, so don't worry.

Pete495

[WickedNurseRed]

Wow Pete, that's some pretty heavy stuff and I admire you for sharing.....Mind if ask how old you are? I can see how the combination of things you were going through could have really pushed your stress level into the "red alert" zone, particularly if you hadn't experienced any big life changes in the past.

I do think if you're serious about going back to school, you should talk to the program director ASAP. Maybe if you're able to work something out, they'll have a spot for you this summer.

[usfcrna]

"While working at the same hospital I was still, I am also working as an RN at a different hospital in a CICU, and have found myself right back where I started, wanting to do anesthesia again"

I have to be honest and say that when I was reading your post, I wasn't convinced that that are 100% committed to returning to CRNA school. If I was the program director and read the statement above I would have to say its a pretty weak argument to let you back into class. If you are 110% committed without any reservations do you what ever you have to do to get back in. The hardships and stress is something we all have to endure to earn the right to become a CRNA. If you are sure you are ready to return come up with a very convincing argument that conveys a message that you are ready to commit to the rigorous journey of becoming a CRNA. Good luck:laufband:

[MmacFN]

Hey Pete

Interesting story.

First off let me say it takes ballz to post something like this on a forum of people dedicated to anesthesia education. Way to go, i commend you.

I have to agree a bit with USF. You sound 'wishy washy' as to how much you really want it. You past situation showed you were not ready for the rigors and committment of anesthesia school and you made the right decision when you left. In my opinion it takes a mature person to recognize that.

What you have to do is sit down and decide if your willing to do this 110% and if your life can accomodate it. If you find yourself unsure if that is the case, then the answer is No.

Good luck with it and keep up updated! Im sure your NOT alone.

[berry]

If you want to go CRNA school just to move a head (be more than a RN) maybe you are just more committed to self-advancement than to becoming a crna. I can only speak from my experience. I completed 20 something hours in an acute care NP program before leaving for various reasons similar to yours. It was not for me, but I wanted more than being a rn and even contemplated returning. I was advised by a friend not to settle if you don’t want to be something now then years of school and debt are not going to change that. I did however want to have more autonomy and scope of practice than I had as an ER nurse. I met with several people and discussed frankly what they liked and didn’t like about their situation and more than one from each field. I looked into PA programs, med school, law school, flight nursing and anesthesia. I found anesthesia right for me it allows me to take care of a pt and make a difference in their life, and I will be able to provide care as I see fit.

I started crna school in May of 06. I had my first mentor day about 2 weeks later with a SR student, when I was standing at the head of the bed and that ologist handed me the tube I knew without a doubt I had found what I was looking for. I am in my 3rd semester now and feel better everyday about the choice I made.

Good luck in finding what you want, but don’t settle for something just to get away from the ICU
.

[trp100329]

Pete, thanks for posting this and good luck to you.

Terri

[deepz]

Two words:

BURNING DESIRE


.

[DebbieC]

I respect your posting and can too well imagine how you felt being pulled in so many directions. One reason this site is so useful is that everyone going in KNOWS that the first semesters are a killer.

I did have to laugh, though, when I read "I did not find the first semester fulfilling...." I don't think anyone expects it to be fulfilling...fulfilling is way further up Maslow's hierarchy than most students seem to occupy during the first few semesters. From what I understand, they are all just trying to keep heads above water, and have no time at all to contemplate "fulfilling".

[LouCRNA]

I'm going to spend a fair amount of time writing this post, Pete, because I'm hoping that my tone will not come across too harsh with you regarding your situation. When you interviewed for anesthesia school, were you not questioned about your understanding of the commitment, the time constraints, the sacrifice inherent to the anesthesia student role? I would imagine that you were questioned about these things, and knowing that you were indeed awarded a spot in a program, a very coveted spot that probably 50 other people would have given their right foot to have might I add, you must have answered that you understood the necessary commitment, and that you were absolutely ready to undertake it. Admission committees are very unlikely to admit a candidate who communicates neither a full understanding nor a complete dedication to becoming a CRNA.

Ok....deep breath, because here is the part that might get harsh....

If I were deciding your re-entry into anesthesia school, my task would be a simple one. My answer would be a resounding, absolute, final, and emphatic negative. I'm sorry that your father got sick while you were a student, and to me that is the only part of your explanation that makes sense or that lends any credence to your decision to leave school. The other things...getting married, needing to spend time with your fiance, buying a house....these were all things entirely under your control. They were conscious decisions you made, and though I am certainly not downing you for wanting any of those things, sometimes you just can't have everything you want right when you want it. Your choice was that these things took precedence over making the journey to CRNA. And that is fine. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I think you could have come to terms with your priorities before occupying and subsequently deserting a spot that was then denied to another student.

As far as I know, fulfillment is simply not an emotive experience for any first semester anesthesia student. If you expected a deep sense of fulfillment from one semester's worth of experience in an extremely challenging and imperative role, well all I can say is that your expectations are extremely distorted. You mentioned that you have spent the last 4 years "devoted" to anesthesia. I humbly beg to vehemently disagree. Devotion, commitment, dedication...these are not the words I would use to sum up your story, and yet these are the key attributes necessary for any SRNA. I have said it before, and I'm going to now say it again: Anesthesia is not for everyone; It's not even for everyone who really, really wants it to be. If you lack the ability to commit to the arduous journey, please, please save yourself the frustration, and save another deserving potential student from the disappointment of not getting a seat in a program because it has been awarded to someone who doesn't even want it with the same degree of fervor, enthusiasm, and as deepz said, burning desire.

Lou

[yoga]

There is nothing wrong with deciding that anesthesia is not the field for you and dropping out of a program. I agree with Lou that you should have made your decision to go into the program in the first place with a clear understanding of the personal and financial commitment.

My problem is with the fact that you now have changed your mind and want to reconsider. I am sorry to say that you will not find anesthesia any more fulfilling the second time around. Maybe your expectations were unrealistic or your understanding about the scope of education and practice were wrong. But for whatever reason, I think you should find an area of nursing that meets your personal goals and stay with it.

In a previous life, I was an anesthesia program director. In that capacity, one of the biggest mistakes I made was taking back a student who quit. I thought her reasons for quitting were invalid and I accepted her back in the program. It was a terrible mistake, anesthesia was not her field; she ended up committing suicide with a sux and ketamine drip. I have always felt bad that I let her back in the program.

I know this may not apply to you, but you should give some careful thought to your goals and commitment of you and your family to obtain those goals.

Yoga

[assilem]

In a previous life, I was an anesthesia program directors. In that capacity, one of the biggest mistakes I made was taking back a student who quit. I thought her reasons for quitting were invalid and I accepted her back in the program. It was a terrible mistake, anesthesia was not her field; she ended up committing suicide with a sux and ketamine drip. I have always felt bad that I let her back in the program.
Yoga


oh my goodness yoga, your comment really hit me. we hear about divorce rates, stress, but i would never imagine there would be suicides in crna programs. if you don't mind me asking, was it very early or late in the program? i wonder if there were additional factors that maybe you didn't know about, or was it all anesthesia stress?

[yoga]

oh my goodness yoga, your comment really hit me. we hear about divorce rates, stress, but i would never imagine there would be suicides in crna programs. if you don't mind me asking, was it very early or late in the program? i wonder if there were additional factors that maybe you didn't know about, or was it all anesthesia stress?


Actually, she was already a CRNA. She had difficulty keeping a job because of her attitude; her anesthesia was ok. I also know that she was caught sniffing an inhalation agent, so clearly she had problems.

I hesitated to mention this situation, but we need to know the good and the bad of this profession.
jan

[DebbieC]

This is an interesting thread. I know of a couple of SRNAs who encountered life crises during or just before their program.

One was between his junior and senior year when his wife was diagnosed with PPHT. Now that is no minor diagnosis. And they have little kids. He was going to drop out, but his and her family talked/bullied him into staying. He/she happened to have a tremendous support system. He graduated, got a great job which I hear he loves, and her condition/EF has improved tremendously with Flolan, Revatio, etc.

The other was a guy whose father became terminally ill about 6 months prior to his starting CRNA school. Very little support system besides my friend, i.e., no other sibs, etc. The PD at that time is a really wonderful guy, who told him he would hold a spot for him in the next class. Another person was given that years spot. Since then, there was a change in PDs and my friend had to really justify his actions. Fortunately, the old PD is still affilitated, so my friend got back in and will be starting this year.

There ARE things that could happen in my life that would necessitate me having to withdraw......I just pray than none of them happen....I'm talking about serious illness in either of my kids, or something catastrophic happening to either of them or to me. I'm just hoping that it's my turn for good things to happen.....

OK, now I've freaked myself out.....must get these thoughts out of my head....Outta here.

:vroam:

[LouCRNA]

This is an interesting thread. I know of a couple of SRNAs who encountered life crises during or just before their program.

....There ARE things that could happen in my life that would necessitate me having to withdraw......I just pray than none of them happen....I'm talking about serious illness in either of my kids, or something catastrophic happening to either of them or to me. I'm just hoping that it's my turn for good things to happen.....


Let's face it. There is a good probability that you or a classmate will experience some traumatic experience while in school. Of the 15 graduates from my class, one student (my best friend) was diagnosed with MS in our second semester, one student's sister with whom she was very close spent weeks and weeks in an ICU nearly dying after a very complicated pregnancy, and another student endured a divorce midway through the program. Two and a half years is a long time to expect nothing major to happen in one's life, and if your school is run by people who really give a rat's ass about you, then they should help you get through school even in the face of such problems. If it means taking a leave of absence to get over the current trauma, then so be it. I'm all for that. But the OP isn't really talking about major, unexpected catastrophes (other than his father's illness). He largely speaks of the mundane, the controllable, a general unhappiness he experienced as a 1st semester student.

I don't mean to sound as heartless as I realize I do, but imagine that you are the qualified and driven applicant denied a spot in the program you badly want to attend. That spot was awarded to someone else - and that someone else lacks the appreciation for the blessing, deciding after just long enough to prohibit the upward movement of an alternate student that he doesn't really even want this. Spots in anesthesia programs are like gold to those who really, really want them. Casting pearls before swine is never a good idea (and no, I'm not calling the OP a pig).

Lou

[LLL123]

I agree with what Lou said. I was an alternate to a program last year and wanted to attend so badly that I would have done anything to have gotten that spot. After living my life in limbo for 9 months wondering if I would get that glorious phone call that I was offered a seat, to my disgust about 4 weeks into the semester I found out that a student dropped out because "it was just too difficult trying to work out school and her child care arrangements". Now being a mother to 3 wonderful children I understand the hardships sometimes faced with making child care arrangements, but this infuriated me! That could have been my spot! She had from the Dec before all the way until Aug to work out a plan. Like Lou said, she was awarded a blessing, one that I would have graciously accepted and short of something catastrophic happening in my life as some have spoke of, I would have done everything it took to make it through. As said before by a previous poster, "Burning Desire".

[deepz]

......Casting pearls before swine is never a good idea..........


So true. And yet, just as 'many are called, few are chosen', you also cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Not even if that sow HAS the Burning Desire.


!

[NursePink]

I have some mixed feelings about Pete's post & the subsequent posts that came after it.

I started NP school back in '97. I knew that I wanted a graduate degree & at that time, was motivated. One year into the program, I decided that it was just NOT for me. I withdrew and have never looked back with regret whatsoever.

I was accepted to start my anesthesia program, originally, in 2002. After some soul searching & a hard core commitment check, I decided it best for me to give my spot to someone who was willing to put the 110% into it that I didn't feel I could at that time. I worked with SRNAs in my facility & was fairly in touch with the rigors of anesthesia school. I did, however, give my spot up before classes started.

The next year... I reapplied. What I was not prepared for... the interview committee coming down on me for giving my spot up. They were like... how do we know you're gonna show up this year?? I thought I had done someone a favor in giving up my spot before school started. They, apparently, did not see it that way. Whatever I said to them worked. Thank God they let me back in.

When I finally did start the program, I too, was somewhat disinterested. I went to a program where we had 1 semester of soley classroom didactics & then 6 semesters of OR time. That first semester... anesthesia was really not that interesting to me. I held out hope that once I got into the OR, I would find my niche. For the first couple of months into the second semester, I just kept asking myself," what the f&*k was I thinking?" I was overwhelmed... felt like I could never learn it all & was drowning.

As time went on... I found that I truly loved it. It did take me several months to come to that conclusion. Now I look back & wish I would have start back in 2002. haha

Later into the program, I had another student call me up (who had just started the program) with the same disinterest that I had felt in the first semester. He was coming back from the weekend to quit, and wanted any input I could give him as to why he should stay. To make a long story very short, I laid into him. Told him he hadn't given it an honest try & that he'd just studied the 'tip of the iceberg', so how could he possibly know that he didn't like it?? Anyway... he always liked to tell people how grateful he was that he called me that day. He's now a happy CRNA in NC.

Pete... Thank you for sharing your story. I can somewhat relate. I have to say... I agree with alot of what has been said to you by the other posters. You are going to meet some resistance, b/c you were given a very cherished opportunity. Program directors are very leary of those who look a hardcore challenge in the face & back down. You didn't even accept the 'leave of absence' for goodness sake!!! There isn't one experienced SRNA or CRNA here who will tell you that it has been/was easy. There is no 'devotion' you have had for anesthesia that even sort of compares to what it takes to weather the program.

I could tell you stories of everything that happened to students in my anesthesia class... divorces, spousal deaths, drug addictions, surgeries, illnesses, etc. Not one of those students quit the program. As was said... Burning Desire.

[MmacFN]

That was awesome pinky. Thanks for sharing!

[DebbieC]

I'm catching up on this thread after a couple of weeks. I have to say: Chris, you can't believe how helpful you post is to me. I printed it out and posted it on my bulletin board. Thank you so much.

My other impression upon reading all of the posts again: Pete, I'd like to slap you upside yo' head, boy. Not taking the leave of absence because you didn't want to keep someone else from the slot....Well, leaving did exactly that---made an empty seat in your class that could not be filled. And my jaw drops again when I read that you didn't find the first semester 'fulfilling'.....I don't know....if I were on the admissions committee, I wouldn't let you back in. Surely you had some clue as to what you were committing to????? Sorry but your wishy-washy whining really turned me off on second reading...


p.s. umm, since I haven't started yet, and have yet to cope with any of it....maybe I should keep my mouth shut....um....nope. No guts, no glory, right??!!

[Jody]

ouch, guess even some CRNA's eat their young too

[infidel]

Yes we do,, BUT only the WEAK ones.

[annardean]

Hi Yoga,

I enjoy reading your commentaries. I know I have been living, eating, breathing, and planning my next steps ever since deciding to become a CRNA about 2 years ago. Once in school, I know without a doubt that I will finish. However, I feel for this guy a bit, but I can see your point that if you are not sure, don't waste a spot some one else would want. That's why it is so very, very vital, that people know what they are getting into before they start. There should be no doubt about the commitment. I have shadowed CRNA's, I have spoken with them outside of this... but I have to say that this forum is a real eye opener and thank GOODNESS I found it. I think this, and all of my other preparation, is going to ensure that I walk into my first day of class with eyes-wide-open. I am more motivated than ever to accomplish my goal... so far, nothing I have read here at nurse-anesthesia has scared me off... just made me more determined!

[Mophet]

ouch, guess even some CRNA's eat their young too

Jody,

I am not sure how this post is eating someones young. The OP told his story and asked for input. What he has gotten are honest remarks about the dedication and committment required of school.

With the exception of the occasional misinterpreted post or temper tantrum this site is all about telling it like it is in an honest and professional forum with opportunities to agree to disagree.

[nojrevorg]

i have to agree with some of the others here and say.... If you dont have the desire it takes you are wasting others time and not too mention the efforts of some CRNAs who decide to take a huge pay cut to become educators and give back to their profession. The First 2 semesters of Anesthesia? Fufilling? Now there are a couple of CRNAs here who will disagree with me ( Army and Anthony) advance physiology is like Drivers ED. You have to go to the class and know all the rules but you really just want to get out their and drive.
A very successful (in all areas of life mind you not just financial) man told me something that stuck with me. There are a hundred ways to make money and some are easier than others. IF you are not totally sure, and some others here as well as myself are questioning your drive, than find something that you are sure about.
I think it would be hard to be newly married and be in one of these programs. they are life suckers from everyone around you. Your decision may have been well thought out when you made it. sometimes when people make certain decisions they are doing it out of some instinctual feeling that is right. I never change my answers on multiple choice questions. When I go back and try to change a answer on something I am unsure about I usually get it wrong.
Life is a big multiple choice test. sometimes there are more than one good answer, but with anesthesia, There is one right answer and a bunch of distractors. If you cant work your way through the distractors than you will never find the right answer.
I am not trying to be negative btw, I am trying to be honest. I have not been in this very long, And it is very obvious how the statement "anesthesia is not for everyone" is so true.

[LouCRNA]

Wow.... how did this year old thread make it's way back to current status? Still an interesting read though :).

[beekahx4]

I am glad someone bumped this thread. If Jody hadn't replied to this thread I would never had read it.

I just started classes 2 weeks ago in a front-loaded program. Org.Chem in 4 weeks and 2 days after this class finishes, we start a 6 credit patho class for the next 4 weeks after that. This 2nd week we have taken 1 exam and many daily quizzes. Tomorrow is our 2nd exam. Some of us are doing better than others while others not so much. As I sit in class with no background of organic chem trying to learn organic chem from a graduate level course, I wonder how the hell does this relate to anesthesia? You learn some compounds and medicines and how they react to plane polarizing light while trying to find the functioning groups and how each group reacts to acid base oxidation, I tell you this subject can be frustrating as all heck. Some of my classmates are puzzled, I for sure am one of them!

But What you guys say about burning desire and how you are 110% committed to anesthesia is a hard thing to say going through the 1st semester of class. It is easy for someone to lose sight of their goal, but having discipline will help you keep on track. As one of the posters said about just keeping their head above the water, sometimes you get tired and go under for a minute and than you come up gasping for air. Your mind deprived of oxygen you think to yourself wtf?!? am I doing here? Learning the fundamentals can be a very overwhelming. I know the profession is what it is and knowing what rigors we would be put through. It's just another thing to be practicing what you have been trying to envision. We have to worry about keeping ppl alive and comfortable while many others only have to worry about making other ppl more money.

I think I sidetracked too much, I appreciate what ppl write on this forum. I can see both sides of the story and learn from it. I come on this forum every night and read topics, and many keep fueling my drive towards the end goal to graduate and succeed. I don't know what I am typing anymore, I have to go back to my chem book and memorize what each functional group reacts with what catalyst and all that good stuff.