Not sure if he's going to stick around.

[Tammy Killian]

Howdy, this is a thread for armygasses wife (God bless you for all that you have been through). I am currently getting everything together to hopefully go to school soon but I have run into a problem with my spouse. The closer I get to my goal, it seems, the more nervous (jealous???) and squirrely he gets. I got through my BSN program on a full scholarship from my hospital (whoopee! I have never gotten squat for free in my life!) and when I would bring home "A"'s after working two jobs and caring for my daughter, he would brush it off as no big thing. I get my BSN degree after 3 years of blood, sweat, and tears and he gives me a (I am not kidding....) Ho, Ho cake someone from work made as a graduation gift (didn't eat a bite...). I just don't understand. The closer I get to the goal to help our family, the odder and more withdrawn he becomes. It almost seems like he would rather I not go to school at all even though I told him this goal light years ago. I am trying to get us out of debt completely before I start school (he is trying to get me to buy another car!) so he doesn't have to worry about bills. He just doesn't seem very supportive and I am afraid he will try to sabotage my efforts once I get in. Do you have any pointers on how I can get all the "worry" off of him to make him a little more supportive to this transition? I have went so far as to start saving "mad money" to give to him during times when he is stressed out over school scheduling. What helped you the most? Here's the kicker...he's a medical professional (physician assistant) and he's very smart. Why would he be acting this way??? You think he would understand. Thanks TK

[LouisiAnimal]

The deal is that he is probably feeling insecure about himself being that you will have a significantly higher income than his. I'd be thrilled if my wife wanted to pursue anesthesia. I'm definitely no marriage counselor, but you have question the point of being married to someone who doesn't support your dreams.

[ame2entre]

It seems like you and your husband have worked very hard to get where you're at, with (hopefully) much success to come. I don't know you or your husband, but as a husband and father of six years I do have an idea on how to confront challenges like these.
If I may be a little blunt on your post.

From reading it sounds as if you are proud of your success (which you should be), but you never attribute any of it to your husband. It sounds as if you do all the hard work (school, work, kids, money,etc...) and he sits on his duff and does nothing. Is this really the case?
You say everything as "I got through...", "my daughter...", "I start school..." and it really makes you two look a little divided.
Almost never will this attitude (recognized or not) go unnoticed by a husband. I have a good friend who's wife was a big time "go-getter". He was a smart guy with a lot of potential but always was overshadowed by his wife's ambitions. Anytime we got together she was always talking about HER accomplishments and never THEIR accomplishments. He never was credited with doing anything. One day he snapped and told her he couldn't take it and was about to bounce. Well to make a long story short, they worked it out but it involved them becoming more of a team. Giving credit where credit is due.
Relationships are two people rowing in a boat. If one rows faster than the other, than you end up going in circles. Your husband may be frustrated and slowing down as you speed up. This may be his way of trying to get your attention. If he truly loves you, it is doubtful that he wants to sabotage you. He maybe just wants you to give him some appreciation or credit, and perhaps let him know you can't do it without him.

My advice is to talk to him and perhaps show some genuine appreciation and kindness for his hard work. I know you have worked hard for your success, but attributing your husband to some of it will work wonders.

Anyways, Good Luck!

[helicali]

I am not married but have seen, and spoken, to a few guys that seem "threatened" by their S.O.'s achievement. There are a couple of reasons he's acting this way and here's my two cents-
First, there may be some sort of jealousy there. It sounds very primitive, but there are some men who are threatened by the fact their S.O. will be making more money, is achieving goals, and is successful. They feel left out and that you may start a life without them. Why? I don't know. It's just how they think.
Secondly, there is truth to ame2entre. Marriage is a two way street. Guys aren't as blunt and up front with our feelings, as women are. This may be his subtle way of saying, "remember me?". I know plenty of women that say their husband (or ex-husband) was never supportive when they worked two jobs, provided for the two kids, and still went to school. That's great, but there is one person they left out.....their husband.
Lastly, communication is key to any relationship. Talk to him. Have you asked him how he's felt about your impending start? There are a bunch of people on this site that are suggesting to spend time with friends and family. Maybe you should spend more time with him and your daughter.

Again, just my two cents. Good luck, God bless.

[armygas]

I will give her a head's up, she will be on later......

[MmacFN]

Sounds like jealousy to me.

You will make as much as 2X what he does and gain more respect.


Not to mention essentially "gone" for 2.5 years.

[tony75]

i dont know, but a HO HO cake sounds really good to me :pound:

[sterling]

Tammy,

I think here the main key is your husband's need to feel important. I agree with the above post about giving credit where credit is due. Even if you feel you give some - it's prob not enough for him. I'm currently in school and try to make a point on a regular (daily) basis to thank my man for his support- although some days he doesn't do what most people would consider support. For instance, he is asleep right now and I'm up studying for finals. He will sleep til about noon and then watch a movie in bed or maybe go work on the car (like change the oil). After talking with him, he informed me he does this intentionally (I was seeing it as lazy!) His view is this - "I can't talk to you anyway and I don't want to do fun stuff without you, so I sleep in." He does many things to accomodate me and make it as easy as possible for me - so WE are in this together. After hearing his perspective, it all seemed so sweet and supportive. Weird huh?

So - advice- get some counseling together. :smlove2: Get it now and get solid before you start a program. I have a feeling his "jealousy" feelings are less of a financial issue and more of a lack of attention issue. Oh - one more thing I do and promised my man we would do in this program: Friday night date night. He knows that start at 5pm on friday I'm all his - dressed up, out on the town etc. He gets my undivided attention. Attention and ego stroking is so important for anyone - but esp men. They need to feel needed. You know the old "provide for my family" thing - it's intrinsic.

BTW - this site has some SO recognition - anyone thought of making an honorary SO CRNA degree? Seriously, the SO do a lot to get the other through this program!

Good luck!

[gotosleep]

I'm so grateful I didn't marry an idiot. I wonder if my wife feels the same way....

[PropofolDiva]

After reading your post, I also came away with the impression that everything was about you. I am sure that he had something to do with some of your success! You are also looking at it as if he is trying to sabotage you, maybe he is just crying out for some acknowledgement and attention. When I got accepted into school, my husband who was most supportive of me did a 180 and ask me to choose school or my family. We immediately went into counseling to get help in attacking the real issues. Of course I decided to go to school no matter what but I also wanted to work through the issues so that we could both be on the same page. Things are great now and he is my biggest cheerleader and supporter. He believes in me even when I get overwhelm and think I can't do it! The bottom line was he was very overwhelmed about the prospect of being a single parent to some extent while I would be in school. We joke about him now being the "primary caregiver". I posted so that you could maybe look at it from another point of view, I thought my husband wasn't being supportive, turned out he was scared to death of having to make most of the decisions while I am away. We often don't realize the security that comes with knowing that there is someone else there to pick up the slack of managing the home in a 2 parent home. It can be overwhelming to think that you may have to do it alone..........even though you really don't have to, your spouse is merely in school not dead but when you get close to the start of that journey, that is how it feels (at least that is what my hubby told me................ he said he was biting off everything all at once instead of realizing that every decision won't have to be made all at once or without input from me)................ so

Take some time to sit done and talk with your spouse, get to the bottom of what is really bothering him. Once you guys do that, then and only then will you really know whether it is sabotage or something less sinister!

[infidel]

I'm so grateful I didn't marry an idiot. I wonder if my wife feels the same way....


My wife married an idiot... but I cook and do auto repairs... so it all worked out..

A common thing my wife hears form me... " Dear, you knew I was an idiot when you married me, you have no one to blame but yourself."

[irishasian]

Hi Tammy,

I am sorry you're having to deal with this stress when you're so close to achieving your goals. I am no marriage expert, but I am a person who is committed to making my marriage last. That's not to say I haven't lost sight of that goal at times, but that is largely one of the top 3 focuses I have in my life. There have certainly been times when I have questioned my husband's professional goals/paths; the last four years of his PhD program are a prime example of this. When he approached me with the idea of getting a PhD, I didn't see the necessity of it. I didn't see how it would significantly enhance our lives or lifestyle. I still am unclear on this. However, what I did see is that it was a highly important goal to him, one that he strongly felt he needed to achieve in order to feel professionally fulfilled. I didn't want to be the reason he didn't achieve everything he felt he needed to achieve; I didn't want it to come up in the future in the form of built up resentment at me for not letting him pursue his goals or killing his dreams. So I agreed, and so here we are.

I don't know your husband, nor do I know (or understand) why your goal of being a CRNA is unattractive to him. Perhaps he is insecure over you making more money than him; perhaps he is concerned that if you better yourself in this way, you will feel like you could be with someone better than him. It does sound like insecurity, and that is a really hard topic to address (especially with members of the "stronger" sex). Perhaps you could approach the topic by letting him know that what you are committed to making life for your family (you, him, your children) better, thus reinforcing to him that you're in this together. I would probably ask him honestly if he feels like he can support you 100% while you're in school. If he says yes, remind him of the financial gains that you'll have after school and that in order to reach those gains, you'll need to tighten up for a little bit first (no new car). I don't think his wanting to buy a car now necessarily means he's trying to sabotage you; it could just be a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of not getting to spend money for a while. But I strongly think you need to clarify with him whether or not he is going to support your goals, whether or not he wants you to pursue your CRNA goals, and whether or not you are prepared to pursue them if he answers no to either of the aforementioned questions. If this is a dream of yours that you feel you must achieve for your own fulfillment, than you ultimately need to do it, with or without him. You deserve (as do we all) to be with a spouse who supports your dreams.

I hope this helped. If you ever need to vent or discuss things one-on-one, shoot me an email.

Elana

[irishasian]

P.S. I know that all of the "menfolk" who've posted replies here are offering advice with good intentions, but you all must realize that women often approach problems like this a little differently. Immediately kicking the guy to the curb is not where a woman's mind heads first...I'm sure none of you would want people telling your significant others to do so everytime you acted like a doofus!

[armygas]

...............doofus!

Hey quit telling people your "pet" name for me! :laugh2:

[captgaston]

Well, your pet name is much nicer than the one I have aquired....

[RAYMAN]

P.S. I know that all of the "menfolk" who've posted replies here are offering advice with good intentions, but you all must realize that women often approach problems like this a little differently. Immediately kicking the guy to the curb is not where a woman's mind heads first...I'm sure none of you would want people telling your significant others to do so everytime you acted like a doofus!


Recently had a woman tell me of "girl logic"....boy, talk about an oxymoron ;)

[Tammy Killian]

Thankyou for all the help. Yes, sometimes I do get a little tunnelvision but really, my husbands one of the most brilliant people I know and I respect him. It's just getting this nagging feeling at the back of you mind that something might not pan out and to get ready for it. The big thing is the transition for our daughter. I don't want her to have to pay for our problems.....ever. I go out of my way not to "brag" about my day and let him talk about the interesting things that have gone on with him. I try to focus on what he is doing but it can be a little difficult for women because when I come through the door after a 13 hour shift I am cleaning the house and putting my daughter to bed. It makes for a pretty pooped out spouse at the end of the day. I do have this picture of him vaccuuming-men are so much more handsome when they push a vaccuum. Don't you think? Thankyou for your help, and just for listening. WE will try to get it together a little more. TK

[deepz]

i dont know, but a HO HO cake sounds really good to me :pound:

Ho -- Not exactly a compliment!

[TXGas]

Infidel,
I will use that line from hence forth. Thank you so much for the wisdom that could only come from years of experience. I am indebted to ya.

[irishasian]

I liked your response in that I agree that both peoples' perspectives and feelings need to be given equal weight and validity in pre-school discussions. However, as I pointed out to my husband, I was left wondering how many SRNAs the Army would lose if their spouses hesitated at the idea of being, essentially, single parents...and I also find it intersting that it seems men have more qualms at this prospective path than women...I suppose I hesitated a bit when my husband came home with the idea of pursuing his PhD...and it hasn't been without its downsides. But on the other hand, his career path has enabled me to enjoy raising my kids during their formative years. Putting a career on hold isn't for everyone, but then again, I realize I'm lucky to have this time with my kids and to have a husband who was able to provide it to me.

Elana

[armygas]

I liked your response in that I agree that both peoples' perspectives and feelings need to be given equal weight and validity in pre-school discussions. However, as I pointed out to my husband, I was left wondering how many SRNAs the Army would lose if their spouses hesitated at the idea of being, essentially, single parents...and I also find it intersting that it seems men have more qualms at this prospective path than women...I suppose I hesitated a bit when my husband came home with the idea of pursuing his PhD...and it hasn't been without its downsides. But on the other hand, his career path has enabled me to enjoy raising my kids during their formative years. Putting a career on hold isn't for everyone, but then again, I realize I'm lucky to have this time with my kids and to have a husband who was able to provide it to me.

Elana

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb218/commentsjunkie/miramsq/love3.gif

[deepz]

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb218/commentsjunkie/miramsq/love3.gif



Uhhhh ... get a room!

[irishasian]

Don't hate the player; hate the game!

[suds1228]

Sounds like jealousy to me.

You will make as much as 2X what he does and gain more respect.


Not to mention essentially "gone" for 2.5 years.

Dude , that will not help appease his "squirrily-ness" factor:boom:

[rubyrn36]

I feel your pain...
I learned the hard way we women and men do speak two very different languages...
But having said that...I know my hubby at first did not come off as very supportive..this upset and angered me as I had followed him around for all these years..and just before he retired from the navy I reminded him we had agreed it wuold be my turn and we would go wherever I was accepted..
well life thre us a curve ball...*sigh*.. he is in Saudi Arabia as he cuold not gainful employment stateside..(thankyou economy)...and the school I have been looking at starts BEFORE he gets back.. and of course he is worried about the money....
A Ho-Ho example I had was when I got my MAT results.. I was so Stoked.. I emailed him immediately to share with him my news..
then a few hours later a quick email to update him on some blan news... no reply to either...
a couple hours later.. he does a REPLY to my first email.. and starts COMPLAINING about his day his general situation etc etc...no remark or anything about my MAT score etc.. I was hurt..then Peeved..
a day or two later when we talked on the phone I brought it up.. he had the good grace to say he was sorry but still no congratulations...
it has slowly been over the last few weeks that he has started to get behind me in the school...
the bottom line he is concerned about the finances...
especially after having no job..
he also wanted to come home to me.. (kind of like back in the good old days)..not have me gone to school...
he also knows what kind of student I am ...single minded and driven have been titles I have earned..
so he knows not alot of time and room for him during school...
I share all this to show you... as the others have (but with a personal slant).. that they have other things going on..
maybe he is jealuos of yuor success...maybe he is concerned/threatenmed by the future income respect...
or maybe he is just being a little boy and not liking the thought of life without you...his mate for the time you are in school...and he has gotten a taste of that already...and not particularly liked it I guess..
also every victory for you...(HO HO Cake/MAT) cuold be a milestone in a different direction that what he had envisioned..
I have just tried to be loving and supportive to my husband but make it clear this would make me happy and I need job satisfaction...I would want the same for him and would sacrifice much if it hwre in my power to help him obtain it...
my expectation is he love me as much!!!
my 10.00 worth cause that was far more than 2 cents

[in2b8nsed8]

Howdy, this is a thread for armygasses wife (God bless you for all that you have been through). I am currently getting everything together to hopefully go to school soon but I have run into a problem with my spouse. The closer I get to my goal, it seems, the more nervous (jealous???) and squirrely he gets. I got through my BSN program on a full scholarship from my hospital (whoopee! I have never gotten squat for free in my life!) and when I would bring home "A"'s after working two jobs and caring for my daughter, he would brush it off as no big thing. I get my BSN degree after 3 years of blood, sweat, and tears and he gives me a (I am not kidding....) Ho, Ho cake someone from work made as a graduation gift (didn't eat a bite...). I just don't understand. The closer I get to the goal to help our family, the odder and more withdrawn he becomes. It almost seems like he would rather I not go to school at all even though I told him this goal light years ago. I am trying to get us out of debt completely before I start school (he is trying to get me to buy another car!) so he doesn't have to worry about bills. He just doesn't seem very supportive and I am afraid he will try to sabotage my efforts once I get in. Do you have any pointers on how I can get all the "worry" off of him to make him a little more supportive to this transition? I have went so far as to start saving "mad money" to give to him during times when he is stressed out over school scheduling. What helped you the most? Here's the kicker...he's a medical professional (physician assistant) and he's very smart. Why would he be acting this way??? You think he would understand. Thanks TK


Tammy, this sounds like my life...exactly...with two kids!! I just graduated with a BSN and I got no congratulations...I have learned not to expect any recognition from him about my achievements...I am an overachiever after all. I don't want it to be all about me, it is about my family but I am the one that got all A's, while working 2 jobs, and taking care of the kids. He worked one job and sometimes took care of the kids. It is really hard to find time for him when I don't feel appreciated either.....Ok...I know we need counseling! I feel the same as you do about...why is he sabotaging this awesome chance that I have (that we have)? I am going to CRNA school for my entire family, not just for me (I'm going for me too of course). I want to prove to my kids that they can do anything...I want to help them through college...I want to retire with my husband comfortably. The feedback on here is awesome and I'm going to try it to use some of it. After 15 years of marriage I have serious doubts that we will be able to make it through CRNA school. I am freaking out about him not being able to handle it. He cooks, cleans, and takes great care of the kids but I don't know if he is in this with me. He actually went out and bought a 40,000 truck 6 months ago! CRAZY!!! I have no idea how we will manage our finances when I have to quit work! I know...I'll talk to him to see if he is in this with me! Tammy...keep me updated and thanks for posting your thoughts...I wondered if I was the only one!

[in2b8nsed8]

Tammy, this sounds like my life...exactly...with two kids!! I just graduated with a BSN and I got no congratulations...I have learned not to expect any recognition from him about my achievements...I am an overachiever after all. I don't want it to be all about me, it is about my family but I am the one that got all A's, while working 2 jobs, and taking care of the kids. He worked one job and sometimes took care of the kids. It is really hard to find time for him when I don't feel appreciated either.....Ok...I know we need counseling! I feel the same as you do about...why is he sabotaging this awesome chance that I have (that we have)? I am going to CRNA school for my entire family, not just for me (I'm going for me too of course). I want to prove to my kids that they can do anything...I want to help them through college...I want to retire with my husband comfortably. The feedback on here is awesome and I'm going to try it to use some of it. After 15 years of marriage I have serious doubts that we will be able to make it through CRNA school. I am freaking out about him not being able to handle it. He cooks, cleans, and takes great care of the kids but I don't know if he is in this with me. He actually went out and bought a 40,000 truck 6 months ago! CRAZY!!! I have no idea how we will manage our finances when I have to quit work! I know...I'll talk to him to see if he is in this with me! Tammy...keep me updated and thanks for posting your thoughts...I wondered if I was the only one!


I just read my post....sounds like I'm husband bashing huh? Also sounds like a little xanax (for me) is in order...or abilify...lol. He isn't that bad. He just isn't as crazy about it as I am. He told me a couple of years ago...we don't need to make that much money...we can do all of the things we want and need with out you having to go back to school....my response was...If I have to do this job for 30 more years I will never make it. I love being an ICU nurse but I want more from my career than this! He isn't as obsessed with it as I am so I guess anything less than my type of obsession is not supporting me....I need counseling....at least I recognize the problem.....lol.

[Tammy Killian]

I understand when it comes from the idea of having to work at nursing for another 20 to 30 years (I will probably be praying for death by then....). Just physically moving 250+ pound patients in the ICU ,when you get older, is a serious challenge and I'm trying to see down the road where we will be in a few years. Life's a challenge, but hopefully hard work does pay off in the end. Thanks.

[lachiro]

Communicate with him and listen. . . really listen to him. Sometimes men, no people need validation. While you are focused on school he may feel alone. So just open up a positive forum of communication and express your love for your family and him in a way that he can truly feel it. Don't assume that you know the reason why he is responding that way.

Good luck sweetie. . .I know it is hard.

[Boynurse2]

My wife said I could buy a Vette if I went to anesthesia school...after I am finished. So I can't wait to be done. We are simple creatures really. She knows what is good for the family. BTW, if you listened to my wife talk you would think she is going through the program and taking care of the family and solving the world's problems. It's hard being a single parent when you are married.

[DD2RN]

Sucks that your husband won't support your dreams! Have you tried telling him how you feel? If not I would.....good luck and don't let anyone stop you from achieving what you have always wanted to do

[BigToe]

My wife is the same way and I can't argue with her. Every time I complain a little she sets me straight with all the stuff she has to do.