CRISIS before school

[PropofolDiva]

I wasn't going to post this here but you guys have been awesome with support, advise etc that I figured why not...
Background --------- happily married for 10 years, 2 boys 7&9, very supportive husband or so I thought.
Throughout the pre-application and application process he was my cheerleader. Go go go!!!! Well I went and got accepted and he appeared thrilled.......... then BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Out of nowhere, he is depressed, feeling overwhelmed, scared to death of this process. FYI - I will be living on campus from Mon mornings until Fri afternoon for the 1st year, it is a front loaded program. So I will be absent during the week and we discussed that and agreed on it. So WTF???????????? Pardon my language.

Now I feel hopeless that if we are already having problems that our marriage will not survive. He actually asked me to put off attending and try to get into another school that is within driving distance. Mind you I didn't even get an interview at this school so what's the chance of getting in later.

So here is what I am facing

1. Go to school and hope that we will be okay (FYI - I am a take charge person and we are in counseling to deal with this issue) I found out he felt this way last week and we went to see a marriage counselor this Monday. So we are not just sitting down we are trying to figure it out. I think we are at this point because we did have a good foundation.. anyway back to the topic. I feel like my choice is to go to school so that I have my education when and if the marriage doesn't work. I feel like it was wrong of him to ask me to chose between my education and dreams and my family especially since he knows that the choice is a no win situation. Damn if I do and damn if I don't so I fell like I have to.....just in case.

2. My second option is to not go to school and focus on my family and hope that I will never develop regrets and blame him for putting me in this situation. I doubt that it won't break us in the future. Afterall this was not a decision that was made on a spur of the moment.

Anyway.......... I welcome all thoughts because I never saw this coming!!! Thanks all.

[LouCRNA]

That's a tough one, Caslarn. It's awesome that you have sought some counseling about this. If your husband has previously been very supportive of this move, as you said, maybe he's just experiencing some cold feet now. Going to anesthesia school is such a life altering experience for everyone involved, and maybe that reality is just really starting to hit home with him now. I'd bet that, given some time to adjust to it, he'll start coming around and being more at peace with the situation.

[nojrevorg]

It is a scary time when you are unsettled in the home front. Neither of you know what to expect, and you never really understand unless you are in it. Personally my thoughts are that there are never perfect circumstances in which it will not be an incredible sacrifice for the whole family to endure. I think It makes the victory that much more sweet when you get through on the other side. Counseling will be good, You need to get on the same page. If you have to go through a divorce or seperation (more than the obvious one of becoming a SRNA) it will put more stress on studying and everything. Get on the same page if you can and go for it.
It is tough to be a spouse of a SRNA or a CRNA for that matter. I have a very supportive wife, and THat is the only way I am able to do this at this time in my life. THis is a gift from her to me as far as sacrifices go.
That is not your situation though, so I think that the Counseling will be key .

[MmacFN]

Well, here is the deal... (from a non-nursey nurse)

He flipped the script on you at the start line, thats just not fair. Morover, putting off going now will result in you resenting him and end your marriage anyway. Giving up on dreams you have already waited for (ie: you had a family) is a recipe for disaster.

Sounds to me like he was never supportive because he didnt expect you to get in (or pretended it wouldnt happen).

Maybe Im just too honest but I'd tell him to suck it up and deal with it. Its your time now.

Here is where I am coming from.

My wife moved across the country for me to goto anesthesia school, no questions asked. She knows that when it comes to ambitions I have they are non-negotiable once ive set my path. My wife got into school BACK across the country and will be away from me (PA -> AZ) for a year. She is in a front loaded program and I AM and will be, a fulltime OR slave. It is likely we wont see each other alot.

My wife did it for me, I will do it for her. There isnt any question about it you just DO IT because you love them. End of story.

So goto school, as was already agreed to, your marriage will fail or succeed regardless of that. If it does not succeed it is likely not at all related to you going to school.

Brutal, but honest and no sugar coating reality is where answers come from. Hope it provides some insight.



I wasn't going to post this here but you guys have been awesome with support, advise etc that I figured why not...
Background --------- happily married for 10 years, 2 boys 7&9, very supportive husband or so I thought.
Throughout the pre-application and application process he was my cheerleader. Go go go!!!! Well I went and got accepted and he appeared thrilled.......... then BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Out of nowhere, he is depressed, feeling overwhelmed, scared to death of this process. FYI - I will be living on campus from Mon mornings until Fri afternoon for the 1st year, it is a front loaded program. So I will be absent during the week and we discussed that and agreed on it. So WTF???????????? Pardon my language.

Now I feel hopeless that if we are already having problems that our marriage will not survive. He actually asked me to put off attending and try to get into another school that is within driving distance. Mind you I didn't even get an interview at this school so what's the chance of getting in later.

So here is what I am facing

1. Go to school and hope that we will be okay (FYI - I am a take charge person and we are in counseling to deal with this issue) I found out he felt this way last week and we went to see a marriage counselor this Monday. So we are not just sitting down we are trying to figure it out. I think we are at this point because we did have a good foundation.. anyway back to the topic. I feel like my choice is to go to school so that I have my education when and if the marriage doesn't work. I feel like it was wrong of him to ask me to chose between my education and dreams and my family especially since he knows that the choice is a no win situation. Damn if I do and damn if I don't so I fell like I have to.....just in case.

2. My second option is to not go to school and focus on my family and hope that I will never develop regrets and blame him for putting me in this situation. I doubt that it won't break us in the future. Afterall this was not a decision that was made on a spur of the moment.

Anyway.......... I welcome all thoughts because I never saw this coming!!! Thanks all.

[irishasian]

Hi there,

Not sure if you're looking for any words of wisdom from a spouse's point of view, but if so - here's my two cents. When it comes to facing challenging situations, there seem to be two types of folks: first, there are those who will face the challenge head on because they're sure that what lies beyond it is a reward much greater than any hardship the challenge presents; and 2) those will focus on all the sacrifices/hardships presented by the challenge itself. I don't know your husband and I don't think it's fair to make character assumptions about him based on this situation. It's understandable that he's focusing on the burdens of your attending CRNA school since he is the one who will be carrying most of the burdens of your family life during this period. I don't necessarily think his fears or reservations have anything to do with his ultimate love and support for you - it could just be that the birth of the dream into reality is scaring him.

With that said, I can tell you that as the wife of "the infamous Armygas", I've felt these same reservations myself. Had my husband taken the kind of hardline stance towards me as others have advocated here in this forum, I'm fairly certain we may not have stayed together. And at the risk of sounding egotistical, I'm equally certain he may not have finished CRNA school or his current PhD program if I had or if I would withdraw my support.

What ultimately forced me on board was the realization that the short-term sacrifices were heavily outweighed by the long-term benefits. For a few years, we might be largely Daddy-free, but in the long term, our family would be more financially secure with a Dad whose hours would give him more time with our family. Of course, I hadn't factored in the almost year-long deployment to Iraq immediately after he finished CRNA school or the whole autism ordeal with our son, but these were the hands we were dealt and things worked out okay in regards to them.

The final factor that helped me decide to support my husband in his educational pursuits was that I know couples in which one spouse was prevented from going after a dream by the other spouse. And let me just say, these couples are either unhappy or no longer together. I didn't want to be the reason my husband used for the rest of our time together for his professional unfulfillment, and I'd venture a guess that your husband wouldn't want to feel this way, either. I couldn't live with that kind of resentment from my spouse for the rest of his life, and the potential trickle down factor onto the kids was too great a risk.

With all this said, the two questions that I think you should ask yourself (and your spouse) are these: 1) Could you feel professionally satisfied if you don't go to CRNA school; and 2) What kind of example does giving up a fundamental dream set for your kids?

There's no doubt it will be a tough situation, but it shouldn't be tough enough to break up your marriage.

[Scout]

My Mom gave me some good advice when I was considering CRNA school. If you wait for the right time or enough money, you will never do three of the most important things in life... Get married, go back to school, or have kids. Well, she was right about the marriage and kids, and now that I am half way through, I think she was right about school too.

[Mophet]

My Mom gave me some good advice when I was considering CRNA school. If you wait for the right time or enough money, you will never do three of the most important things in life... Get married, go back to school, or have kids. Well, she was right about the marriage and kids, and now that I am half way through, I think she was right about school too.

Sounds like your mom is a smart woman.

[Mophet]

Caslarn,

I am not sure that I have good advice for you, but here it goes. I am a firm believer in following your dreams, but in tempering them with the consideration of how pursuing your dreams will affect your family. I had originally intended to return to school and pursue medicine and (please don't hate me) anesthesiology, but realized one day that the sacrifice to my family would not be worth it. I then decided being a CRNA would also make me happy, but with much less sacrifice for my family.

I am glad that you are in counseling, and I hope you guys can work something out where everyone will be happy. At some point during your discussions remind him that it would be no different than travelling during the week for business. Many of my family and friends are in business and are gone from their familys during the week. They make it work!

[PropofolDiva]

Thanks guys for all your support. I have been talking to my offline girlfriend and pretty much I am at peace with the decision that I will go to school. I am not at peace with the fact that it may cause us to separate but I have no doubt that I will toughen up and deal with that when I have to. He is saying he is supportive but scared to death of the fact that we have always done things together and now it seems like I will be doing this on my own. I have told him that even though I may be away I am not doing it alone, he is at home holding down the home. He admitted to the counselor that he realized it was the most selfish thing to say or ask me to do and that he is willing to do what we need to do to overcome this. Only time will tell but we have agreed to talk, talk, talk and hopefully will do the counseling thing to get everything out because for him not to tell me how scared he was is a big red flag for me. He is willing and I am cautious. I have to get to the point where I can forgive him for pulling the rug out and knowing our situation more, I know I can forgive him and that if he lets me know how he is feeling, we can deal with it.
My sisters and friends have offered their support and we will use them alot. We are also considering asking my mom to come live with us for awhile. Not sure if we want to do this but it is something we are thinking about. Looking back, I realize that we have not had too many challenges in our lives. At least he hasn't had to do without much of his life. I remember when we started our family, he talked about me staying home and we tried that. In the process, we both realize that my dreams had to be fulfilled as well and while I love being a mother, I wasn't good at being a stay at home mom. We worked that out and adjusted. I have to believe that we are strong enough to get over this bump as well. If not, then obviously something else besides school would have brought this to the forefront. So as selfish as this may be to some, it is school for me. I asked GOD for clarity when I applied and felt that if it wasn't HIS will, then I wouldn't have gotten in so to me I feel in my heart, my mind and spiritually that this is the right decision. I will focus on helping him to get there as well but if he choses to not step up to the plate then ........................ it is what it is! Harsh but true.

Mike I do agree with you. I don't live in the land of sugar coat and fluff. Just give it to me straight up so I can take the bull by the horn and deal with it...............so thanks. You echo my thoughts exactly and I don't feel bad for feeling that way.

Thanks to all for their advise, it actually is getting much better at home now that we are being honest with each other about this. I think owing money is a big thing for us as I am struggling with that too. We are not use to cutting back, budgeting, living from check to check and that is what is facing us with one income. I told him yesterday that we will just borrow, borrow, borrow, no more trying to work more hours to save up more. As long as we keep the debt under $100,000 we should be okay. And yes, he gasp!!! when I said it could go to $100,000. It is a hard amount to swallow.....anyway thanks all.

[trp100329]

Casalrn,

I think it's very good that he TOLD you what he was feeling and that he is trying to come to terms with that instead of just stewing silently and then walking away when you were up to your elbows in volatile gas - among other things!

He's given you both time to get some counseling and work things through; feelings in and of themselves aren't good or bad - they just are. Our reaction to those feelings, though, tells what kind of person we are. I think if you'll continue to talk about this, and try to be mindful of one another's needs, that this crisis can actually make the two of you a stronger team.

My husband and I are a team - he has my back and I have his - and we've built that bond through numerous crises (to name a few: losing the house to a hurricane, the amputation of his leg, extreme poverty). Every challenge has been an opportunity for us to strengthen our relationship, and we've done that.

And I absolutely don't think you should give up on school, because not only is it your dream, but it will ultimately benefit the entire family unit. Besides, if he does decide he can't be the partner you need for him to be, then you will be better able to support yourself and the kids on a CRNA salary.

But I don't think that's where you're headed - I think you're handling this in a healthy manner and that you'll find creative ways to make it work. Hang in there and good luck!

Terri

[PropofolDiva]

Thanks Terri

[Gassin'Up]

Here is where I am coming from.

My wife moved across the country for me to goto anesthesia school, no questions asked. She knows that when it comes to ambitions I have they are non-negotiable once ive set my path. My wife got into school BACK across the country and will be away from me (PA -> AZ) for a year. She is in a front loaded program and I AM and will be, a fulltime OR slave. It is likely we wont see each other alot.

My wife did it for me, I will do it for her. There isnt any question about it you just DO IT because you love them. End of story.


While I completely agree with you when it's just the two of you, having children in the mix complicates things immensely... my husband and I lived apart while in grad school (for my first masters). It was lonely, but all we had to do was take care of ourselves as we studied (and pined for each other). With kids, it's a different story entirely. My heart goes out to the OP. I (think I) have a completely supportive husband (and two kids), but if the same thing happened to me, it would be a really difficult decision to make. Kudos for getting into therapy fast, and the best of luck to you both.

[MmacFN]

Hey Gassin

I agree kids adds a whole other dimension, on the otherhand kids should never be a reason to either stay together or miss out of your dreams because it will only end in resentment. In this case that was all figured out ahead of time so the kids did not seem to be the issue.

Everyone knows their own situation best tho and has to make the best decisions for themselves! :)


While I completely agree with you when it's just the two of you, having children in the mix complicates things immensely... my husband and I lived apart while in grad school (for my first masters). It was lonely, but all we had to do was take care of ourselves as we studied (and pined for each other). With kids, it's a different story entirely. My heart goes out to the OP. I (think I) have a completely supportive husband (and two kids), but if the same thing happened to me, it would be a really difficult decision to make. Kudos for getting into therapy fast, and the best of luck to you both.

[RAYMAN]

Oh, please. Poor kids, poor kids, poor kids......BS! Kids are tough. People coddle their kids too much....that's why we have all these little brats and hoods running around....Paris Hilton, most professional athletes, etc. So you are afraid your kids will learn what hard work and sacrifice is? I view this as a positive for my kids. Yes, there is less time to spend with them, but in the end they will be the ultimate beneficiaries.

[nojrevorg]

Ray you are a prophet. I totally agree. I have Kids, and we moved from Rural Maine, (beautiful way of life) to NJ, and We live in a less than reputable area. I hope that my kids are able to see that nothing in this world is easy, and you have to work hard at making life work for you. Do I want my kids to suffer? No but I also want them to know that sometimes all that hurts is not bad for you. I was never given anything in life, other than opportunity that I earned and jumped all over. You cant pass up your dreams, Other wise you will wake up in 25 years, realize you missed out on life, and really have the chance to make your family suffer.
Take my opinion for what it is worth. Everyone has to make decisions in their life that they have to live with the outcome. One of my favorite quotes that I have learned as a SRNA is "Anesthesia is all about choices", I would like to take it a couple of steps farther and apply it to life and say that Life is all about choices and Decisions. Sometimes You think you have everything all settled and you must commit to a decision, (Roc and a bad airway=bad Decision but you deal with it, and deal with you next set of choices and make a decision).
By My decision I am choosing to change my family's Heritage. I hope that I have made the right choice, and I will live with whatever repercussions come of it.

[RAYMAN]

Ray you are a prophet. I totally agree. I have Kids, and we moved from Rural Maine, (beautiful way of life) to NJ, and We live in a less than reputable area. I hope that my kids are able to see that nothing in this world is easy, and you have to work hard at making life work for you. Do I want my kids to suffer? No but I also want them to know that sometimes all that hurts is not bad for you. I was never given anything in life, other than opportunity that I earned and jumped all over. You cant pass up your dreams, Other wise you will wake up in 25 years, realize you missed out on life, and really have the chance to make your family suffer.
Take my opinion for what it is worth. Everyone has to make decisions in their life that they have to live with the outcome. One of my favorite quotes that I have learned as a SRNA is "Anesthesia is all about choices", I would like to take it a couple of steps farther and apply it to life and say that Life is all about choices and Decisions. Sometimes You think you have everything all settled and you must commit to a decision, (Roc and a bad airway=bad Decision but you deal with it, and deal with you next set of choices and make a decision).
By My decision I am choosing to change my family's Heritage. I hope that I have made the right choice, and I will live with whatever repercussions come of it.

Amen and let the choir sing.

[spearfisher]

Reading this makes me grateful for my wife. CRNA was my ultimate goal way back when. I have been a nurse 17 years now.......and I am just now an SRNA. Ashley always knew that was my ultimate goal. We got busy. Kids, life. Money. It just never seemed right. As years went by, I literally saw my dream sliding away. I didnt do anything to go after it either. I was busy. And a little bit scared if I am being completely honest (easy to do on here too!). I was afraid I might fail. Fail to get in. What if I pursued it so far and go stonewalled. I have never failed at anything but it seemed to many variables were out of my control. So I sat and did nothing. It was ironic that I was thinking about it really hard for a period of time. I was doing some interventional rad stuff, sedates. One day I am told I wont be "needed" for a case we were doing. Apparently we needed "real anesthesia" b/c the pt had to be paralyzed. I was so ashamed of myself at that moment b/c I felt like I SHOULD be that anes. person coming down but here I was still sitting with a ADN degree. I was so ashamed I couldnt even look the CRNA in the eye when he came down to do the case. Shortly after that (w/o having any knowledge of what I just mentioned), my wife says to me, hey btw, you aren't getting any younger, and the kids are certainly getting older. If you want to go after that dream of yours, you better hop to it. She went on to say she didnt want me getting older and getting bitter about it and being angry. Taking it out on or blaming the family. She was right/wrong. I would have been angry and bitter maybe. At myself. Not them. Suddenly I felt like I had a fire under my ass. I should have done this "yesterday." Within 2 months I was actively pursuing my BSN. Less than a year after that I had been accepted to anes. school. I got in locally and I live at home with my wife and 2 teens. It is hard. We are all sacrificing and I say we are all in anes school together b/c we all endure it. I am pratically persona non grata most of the time due to studying. But I don't know what I'd do without her. She is all for anything that will advance me. Part of our class has to go to Memphis for 8 weeks at LeBonheur. She is completely fine with me going (volunteering) b/c it is such a great clinical experience to have. I wont see her much during that time, she knows it and is willing to sacrifice short term...... Recently she has been having to do a lot of house hold stuff "by herself" etc. So she is not too fun to live with! :) But.....thats part of the short term price I am paying lol. I wish you the best of luck. It will be hard. But it will be worth it.

[Sleptym]

Caslarn:

I am not going to be so presumptuous as to even attempt to try to tell you how you should approach your dilemma. I am certain there are innumerable factors influencing your decision and I am certainly no relationship expert. An addition, my spouse and I attended anesthesia school simultaneously and together in the same program, courtesy of the US Army. We were the first to ever do that. While that opportunity did present issues of its own, I think overall, it helped us to avoid many of the issues you and others have expressed and faced.

With that said, I am simply going to wish you the best of luck and tell you that you have my full confidence that you will make the right decision, whatever decision that might be. Oh, and by the way, "WTF" is a perfectly acceptable term in the field of anesthesiology. You will find yourself using it often in your clinical practice.....

[DebbieC]

Caslarn,

I tend to agree with the darling wife of ArmyGas. I think that it is totally normal and realistic for your husband to be having big-time second thoughts. And more so, the nearer it gets. It probably now is just starting to sink in.

Think of it--to be the almost-fulltime parent of two fairly young boys is a herculean task. For a year. With accumulating debt.

I don't think there is anything for you to forgive. You are asking a very lot of him. And believe me, even if he wasn't totally scared right now, 6 months from now, he will be sick to death of you going to anesthesia school, just like YOU will be sick to death of anesthesia school. Families just muscle through--there is nothing easy about the unrelenting drag of doing this--not for anyone in the family.

I would acknowledge his fear, talk to him about how scary it is for you, too, and about how it will be hard for the children. I would round up all the family help and support you can possible beg from mothers, etc.

It's great to talk about the benefits you'll all have when you are done, but that just skirts the issue of what you and the rest of your immediate family have to pull out of your butts to get through.

AND tell him: it wouldn't be any better if you went to school 5 minutes from your home. Any time you spend doing anything except studying is time you should have been studying. It's incredibly hard no matter what. In some ways, it might be better for you to be living in another city--he won't be resenting you every second you are home and ignoring everyone, since you won't be home. This way, you will have nothing to do but study and he won't waste any energy resenting you for not 'sharing' the parenting. You simply won't be there and he will have to suck it up. The boys will look to who is around to be the parent. Kids are very adaptable. But any help he can get would be VERY GOOD. And you will have to study alot on the weekends.

It would be harder on him if you are there, but not really there, than it will be for you to be gone. And, since you will be able to study alot, the likelihood of you succeeding in the program and becoming a CRNA and ABLE to pay off the debts is that much greater. My financial planner was not at all put off by a $100,000 debt, because he has CRNA clients and knows the financial reality of that kind of salary.

He will survive, the kids will survive, you will not drown financially, despite the debt, and you will survive it because once into it, you HAVE to succeed. Sallie Mae is a great encourager.

It IS very hard--but people do it just like you are doing it and manage. There is a mother of kids your kids ages in my program who is living halfway across the country from the family. There are single parents who manage to do it without another parent to take up the slack. And most families I know struggle with one of the two adults in anesthesia school whether or not there are kids, and whatever the kids' ages are. A good friend is struggling with loosing the honeymoon phase of her fairly young marriage. It sucks, and sucks worse for some than for others. Your situation won't be the worst nor will it be the 'easiest'.
Everyone in my class who is married with kids is jealous of the people without kids; all the married ones are jealous of the ones who are young enough to not be married and still be living at home. I'm jealous of everyone in my class who is married with a living spouse and 2 parents for the kids. It doesn't matter how hard or 'easy' it is for you--you just have to manage through somehow.

It doesn't last forever--just seems like it at the time.

Do it--you probably won't get divorced because you won't be together to fight, lol. Let each other know you love each other, despite the fears. You will all regret your decision DURING school, but none of you will regret it AFTER you are done.

someone just tell me to shut up--oh, my teenage daughter just did.....off to study.

[PropofolDiva]

Thanks everyone. Only time will tell. I have 4 months to refocus and will do so. Right now I am working on fixing this crack in our relationship. I will start a journal one day. I do know I am not the only one going through this. Dang............ I just didn't see this one coming.

[seafish]

I know how you feel, except I don't have support from my wife at all. We don't have any kids, she supported me through graduate school a few years back. I did well in school, MSN 3.6 GPA, but I've changed my mind and I'm really wanting to go to CRNA school. My situation isn't the same but I think you should talk to your hubby. I bet he's stressed because he didn't know how much help you were before. Best of luck...
Seafish

[ceejay22]

He Caslarn, so what happened?

[valsini]

Sounds like you have yourself in a situation.

Here are some things I know. Someone that I got into school with was in this situation and dropped out. She went back to the state her husband/child are and was told she would have to reapply but would be re-accepted no prob. Needed a chance to work things out with the fam and husband not wanting to move. Well, she re-applied and didn't get in. She wishes she had just stayed.

Reality: you have a chance of a lifetime to go to school, so take it. Don't wait. The family situation isn't going to change and most likely will get worse despite counseling. Did he want the counseling? Because if not, you are attempting to chang his mind when he isn't open about it.

I agree with other posts when they say that you make sacrifices for your spouse and do what you have to do to keep your family together. You will end up stronger in the end. Can your family not move closer to the school?

Everyone has a struggle to get through school, so this story isn't too far off of what every person I am in class is going through. I moved cross-country to go to school, in fact the farthest in my class. This doesn't mean it was easier for the person to move 2 hours or 2 states. We all have stress so use this opportunity as a chance to show yourself just what you are capable of. United you stand, so you better unite yourself with that spouse of yours. The kids will only be affective NEGATIVELY if you and your spouse can't get your sh!t together. Just remember what it was like to be a kid. My parents went through some serious tough times when I was a kid, but I didn't notice just how stressful it was as we just learned to roll with the punches as a family. This aint a sitcom with a solution in 30 minutes.

Sorry for the slang.

[tarheelq]

Dang. Read this whole thread and got no resolution on the whole ordeal. Gip.

[PropofolDiva]

Just a quick update. All is well. Almost done with the frontloaded part of the program, starting clinicals in August. Hubby and kids made it through the first year with flying colors and we are all doing great. I think it is difficult to try to swallow the whole pizza in one bite, slices work better!

[helicali]

Glad to hear it is working out!! Good luck